Being too introspective may not be a healthy thing and habit but I can't help asking myself whether my tendency to err on the side of pessimism rather than trying to be optimistic and hopeful is rooted in hurts of the past, dashed hopes, the type of theology and teaching I've grown up with (emphasizing those parts of Scripture that talk about human depravity and a negative evolution in the eschatological outlook before Christ's return) or all of these factors together.
Don't get me wrong: I'd really like to be a more positive person but also sometimes get the impression that a lot of talk about hope and positive developments is an effort to become self-fulfilling prophecy rather than the result of an analysis of what's actually happening in the world. Then again, maybe I keep looking in the wrong places. Maybe my main problem is to be so fixated on circumstances and observable change rather than looking to God and God alone.
One of the gifts that was passed down to me from my grandfather who also was a pastor and who passed away shortly after I was born, is the carved image of the parable of the sower. I'm grateful that in a small way I am privileged to spread the seed of the kindom and of the good news no matter how much of that will come to fruition or not. Those who'd like to pray for me, please pray that more of that seed of hope will sprout in my own heart so that it can spread to others more effectively as well, and that the joy and assurance of final victory which are both just as real as the continuing grip of evil would not be veiled through my life and testimony!
